A friend of mine asked me about the categories of Penis out there in the dating world. There are too many to categorise them all but, there are major ones. Yes, Penis categories are a thing and as straight women it helps to know which type of penis you’re engaging with. Here are 7 common penis categories out there on the dating circuit. P.S. This is not a blog about Dick Size.
So nearly every penis known to us is the Basic Penis. He has a penis and he doesn’t need to do much else but whip it out, stick it in and, get off. The Basic Penis is oblivious to what else should be done and doesn’t really care. He’s just happy to be here! It’s selfish, lazy and used to minimal effort. Alas, Basic Penis has made it this far and nobody has told him about himself so your murmurings of dissatisfaction are seen as attacks on his likkle friend. Because Basic Penis is never big.
Broke Arse Penis
His living situation will often give you a clue as to how broke this penis is. Clues? Lives with someone older than them like either a parent, an older sibling, his supposed ex wife … yes he can’t afford to move out. Also never reaching for the bill.
Broke Arse Penis aka BAP dates to better his circumstances so, typically the sex is surprisingly good. He stares intensely in your eyes as he hopes that this will be the orgasm that dickmatises you into asking him to move in. Their emotional manipulation stems from a desperate need to date up.
Not to be confused with seasoned or Caribbean, this is someone who doesn’t have a lot of sex and when they do they jerk a lot. Chances are their relationship history is vague and he’s used to getting himself off. He literally jerks a lot. If you’re a fan of the rabbit vibrator then, this is the man for you. Just know that this lack of self control will mean that you’re going to have to hope his recovery game is on fleek because, you’ll need more than one round.
Married Penis is an adventurer. He has a home but wants to explore so, Married Penis can be quite good at the beginning. He knows that your needs are important but he’s also a cheat and a liar so will do whatever he needs to get some action. These are the more dangerous penis because they ‘understand’ women and can coerce you into a whole side chick relationship in just a few strokes and whispers of unhappiness and how this is exactly what he needs to feel like a man again. Beware the marrieds. How do you catch them out? They can do it quietly so as not to wake the kids, is never available in the evenings or weekends and asks you which side of the bed is yours.
So we all supposedly envy millennials. Not me. These people didn’t learn about sex from trite 80s movies and 90s RnB. Instead they learned their whole sexual repertoire from Porn. This is not only frustrating but limiting. They assume their partner has trained as a porn star and can deepthroat without drugs or alcohol to assist. Chances are it’s going to be lots of position changes / angles and lots of poorly scripted dialogue in his performances. Proceed with caution and a risk assessment.
You know that one colleague who starts counting down to retirement a whole year and HR conversation before they actually leave? This is this dude.
Girl, if you get it more than once or twice a week be grateful. He’s old, his penis is older. One shot penis is all about the get up and no longer about the get off. Unless he gleefully tells you about his trip to the doctor then chances are this penis is seriously on it’s way to retirement.
My favourite kind! Not only because they are typically cultured and pro blackness, but they are pre porn sex learners and lovers of old skool soul and RnB. Now those with a heavy rotation of angry hip hop may still be able to Penis like a Seasoned Penis but be careful. It really can be more aggressive than you might want. These ones are good for a rewind on the mix cassette they made you. You want a penis that is seasoned but not so old that it can’t rise to the occasion without pharmaceutical help. The only danger is that some may like a little too much herb which influences performance but, herb aside, march on!
Now I just want Nandos. Happy Dating!